First, I was like
YAY! Horsies and magical training and fun!
But then I was like
Oh, yeah, and that blog I’m supposed to do.
And now I’m like
IT’S BEING GRADED HOLY CRAP IT’S INFORMAL AND I MISSED WAY TOO MANY ENTRIES.
In my defense, the past 16 days I spent not blogging have been pretty busy. There was spring break, during which I did absolutely nothing but sleep and go to the farm. I rode Chic either two or three times last week. She did well, yadda yadda yadda. The usual. She does better every time I am with her. As usual.
This week, I haven’t had time to do anything other than feed both horses. Partly because of doctors’ appointments, and partly because of my chronic napping. Not the “I am feeling lazy” kind of nap, either. More like the “I am so tired my eyes are crossing” kind of nap. Totally necessary, but a symptom of the ever-present scourge of my existence: My poor time-management. To be more specific, just flat-out letting myself be distracted. I know that I can discipline myself. I just choose not to apply it because I either lack the motivation, or am not willing to get into the rhythm just yet. Honestly, I know that I don’t seem like a terribly punctual, precise, reliable person. But, I am. I really am. Heck, I am my own drill sergeant. It’s not a matter of lacking the means to discipline myself, it’s lacking the discipline to apply them. I do not want to admit this, but it is true. Maybe not, actually. I am still confused over this. I have the motivation, I have the discipline to apply the means….I’m just missing something.
I think that is it. And I know the source of my brokenness. It sounds stupid, but it’s from a book My Name is Asher Lev. I will not describe it because it’s a curse to me. I love that book, but ever since I read it, I have not been able to draw, sing, write, play the piano, paint, or do much of anything really. No, wait. This isn’t why.
I am brainstorming. Trying to figure it out.
I know this is simple. But simple things are not simple for me.
I over-think everything.
The solution, the answer. It’s right there. I just can’t find the words for it.
What is my problem? What is the missing component? What makes the ingredients a cake? Fire?
Is it fire that I am missing? Determination….
YES. It’s that. I’ve lost the determination. I guess it is another way to say unmotivated, but a lack of determination sounds the most accurate to me.
Gosh. I need to step up to the plate and crack this stupid blog into the outfield. I always hated baseball….